


If you could see me now

by itried



Category: Young Justice - All Media Types
Genre: Grief/Mourning, I cried a lot writing this, I'm Sorry, M/M, Panic Attacks, come talk to me after you read this and we'll hug and cry and eat ice-cream together
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2015-10-03
Packaged: 2018-04-24 15:34:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4925173
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itried/pseuds/itried
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Three months after his uncle died, Wally puts on the Flash suit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If you could see me now

**Author's Note:**

> My beautiful [ soulmate ](http://archiveofourown.org/users/pichitinha/pseuds/pichitinha) betaed it for me and just gave me a ton more feels by showing me The script's "If you could see me now" song. You should all listen to it, in case the fic isn't sad enough.

Dick knows exactly how it happened, - Roy and Artemis had yelled at Green Arrow so much, the archer told them everything he knew, then Dick had hacked into the watchtower computer and got the footage of the fight, only to find out that Ollie had left out some of the details, to spare them, - he just didn't understand _why._ Why did it have to happen to Barry Allen of all people? Barry was a hero, in and out of his Flash costume, he was such a light to everyone around him, always in a good mood, making people laugh with his jokes and puns, and calling them endearing nicknames. He was caring, gentle, loved and respected by all.

He was also Wally's dad in all ways, but blood, and Dick feels his eyes fill with tears as he thinks about what Wally's going through. Wally was there with him, in his last moments. Wally had run the fastest he could, but he just wasn't fast enough. He had hung to his uncle's body so tightly Superman had to take him away. Wally had cried, yelled, sobbed and he even tried to fight the man of steel until he passed out. 

Dick pauses the footage and, as he stares at Wally's face, he fears his friend will never be alright again.

There's been a discussion about revealing Barry's secret identity to the public, but Iris asked the League not to do it. She, more than anyone, wanted her husband to be remembered and honoured as the hero he was, but feared for her nephew. How easy it would be to connect the dots and deduce Kid Flash's secret identity? Dick watches the footage of the meeting too, focusing on Wally's face the entire time; but the redhead never says a word, he just holds his aunt's hand and looks down to the floor.

They have two funerals, one for The Flash and one for Barry Allen. Dick goes to both ceremonies, but Wally just attends Barry's. He stands, by his aunt's side, his face blank, thin, and pale. He looks sick, - and Dick wonders if he's eating, - as he thanks everyone for comming, accepts their condolences and when the team approaches him, he says he wants to quit Young Justice.

No one quite knows how to react to that. Roy's the only one who tries to argue with him; he says that Barry's death wasn't Wally's fault, that there's no way he could have prevented it, so Wally shouldn't feel guilty or punish himself for it. Roy says that quitting the team is a mistake, and that so is pushing his friends away because they will be there for him no matter what. Roy's breathing is heavy when he ends his rant, and his face's red with anger. And he only gets angrier when Wally doesn't even look at him.

"Thanks." Wally says, eyes still glued to his own shoes. "But my aunt needs me right now." 

And that's it, no one can really argue with that. Dick can see Roy's anger fall through his fingers like sand and, without it, he looks as the rest of them feel: hopeless.

M'Gann hugs the redhead and promises him all the cookies in the world, Kaldur says the team will wait for when he's ready to come back, Artemis keeps her voice even, when she chimes in and says _but not forever. So don't take long, okay?_ Dick can see her fist trembling as she waits for a reply that doesn't come and knows that she would punch the hell out of him if they were alone. Dick knows Artemis'd punch him again and again, just to make him snap out of it, to get a reaction out of him, _anything_ to show them that Wally can get through this, to show that he's gonna be back to them, and that they didn't lose him the same day as Barry.

Superboy takes in his teammate failed attempts to talk to the redhead. The genomorphs didn't prepare him for this, and neither did his one year of freedom. He thinks back to the day Robin, Kid Flash and Aqualad broke him out of Cadmus and doesn't recognize the cheerful, full of life speedster in front of him. "Tell me what to do." He doesn't take orders well, but he'd make an exception this time. "Tell me what I can do to help you and I will do it." 

Wally just shrugs in response and they all leave. Dick stays.

He doesn't say anything at first. Dick just walks to him, takes Wally's face in his hands, raises it to meet his eyes, and doesn't fall apart when he sees his best friend's green eyes bright with unshed tears.

"I can't seem to stop crying." Wally tells him and Dick realizes that's the most words he's said since the day before Barry's death, when Wally had called him to rant about some new game and they've stayed up till 3 am. "I can't stop... I... "

Dick doesn't know what to tell him, so he pulls Wally closer and holds him like his life depends on it. He knows what's like to lose a parent, he knows what's like being happy and then having it all taken for you in just one quick moment, he knows what it feels to cry day after day after day, until your tears dry out.

"Does it... Does it ever stop hurting?" Wally whispers, voice breaking, and the brunette shivers. He wants to tell Wally that it's going to be okay, that time heals every wound, but he can't lie.

"No, it doesn't." _No more lies, no more secrets._ He had promised Wally that one night when he took the mask off, when Wally hugged him and told him he was _beautiful._ That night when Dick went to sleep happy, because he had someone who knew all there was to know about him and liked him anyway, because he had someone he could talk to, because he didn't have to pretend anymore, he didn't have to pretend that it didn't still hurt.

Taking his best friend's words in, Wally closes his eyes, and more tears falls from his eyes to Dick's shirt, but the boy wonder doesn't move away, he just clings harder to his best friend. "But I'm here, Wally, I'm here for you. Just call me, and I'll be over, for whatever, whenever, wherever. Promise me you'll call me if you need me, okay? Promise me, you need to..." Dick only realizes he's crying just as hard when his voice breaks. 

Dick feels Wally nod between the sobs, but it could have been whishful thinking on his part.

xxx

Three months later, Captain Cold and Trickster rob a bank and Wally puts on the Flash costume to stop them. He fights them, ties them up, releases the hostages, and waits for the police. There’s a bunch of reporters waiting for him when he leaves the bank. Everyone's shouting questions at him, there's a guy asking if he's come back from the dead and what does the after life looks like, there's a woman asking if he's new or if he's the old Kid Flash because _we don't see him around anymore._ Then, among all faces, Wally recognizes his aunt. Iris pushes people until she gets to where he is. She looks like she wants to hug him more than anything, but still keeps a safe distance from him. 

Wally feels like laughing, but his throat's dry and no sound comes out.

"Flash." She says, looking him straight in the eyes. "Flash, are you okay?"

Her question cuts through him like a knife and Wally almost wishes he was five again so he could let himself break into tears, ask to go to sleep in her bedroom, and hide from the world in her arms, but _he can't._ He can't do that to her. It's been only three months since she lost her husband, and it's only been two months since Iris discovered she's pregnant with twins and that she'll have to raise them alone.

"I'm not hurt." He tells her, trying to disguise his voice, as hard as he tries not to cry. "But thanks for asking, Ma'am. Gonna run now."

He runs, he runs until he can't anymore and, when he finally haults to a stop, he falls to his knees in some forgotten alley in the middle of nowhere. His body stopped running, but his mind _can't_ seem to follow its example; it's making him revive what just happened, making him re-hear what everyone's just told him.

 _"I'm so glad you're back, Flash, you're my hero."_ Said the eleven year old girl he saved in the bank.

 _"Oh, look, baby Flash is playing dress up in his papa's clothes!"_ Trickster found it cute.

 _"Give it up, Kid. You're not fast enough."_ Captain Cold said, before shooting at him, not even realizing how true his words were. He wasn't fast enough, he wasn't fast enough and now his uncle is dead. Barry is dead and it’s all his fault, he should have done something, anything, he should have tried harder, he should have...

 _"Flash."_ His aunt had called him. _"Flash, are you okay?"_

No. No, he's not okay. He's not okay because _he can't breathe._ The Flash costume was always too big for him, but it's suddenly grown smaller and it's crushing him. Why did he put it on? How could he think that he was ready for this? How could he think that he had what it takes to be as good as Barry Allen? 

He's a phony, he's a failure. He can't do no right, he can't even get _breathing_ right, how pathetic is that? His eyes water and his vision blurs, but Wally refuses to blink. He's tired of crying, he's tired of the never ending tears, he's tired and he's angry and he's alone. 

Barry’s always made everything okay, both as his uncle and as the Flash, and Wally needs him. Wally needs him to come back, even if it's for a second. Wally wants to see him again, he just wants to tell Barry how much he loves him, how sorry he is and to ask what he is going to do from now on. He just wants a hand messing with his hair, and the smile that could make the world a brighter place. He just wants to hear his uncle call him "Kid" again. 

For the first time in _forever_ he feels like a kid. He's pathetic and weak and he just wants his uncle back. 

"Wally? Wally! Hey, just breathe, okay?" Someone kneels right in front of him and grabs his shoulders. Wally looks up, but everything is so dark and blurred and he can't tell who it is, but his voice's familiar and comforting.

 _Uncle Barry?_ He tries calling out to him, but nothing comes out of his mouth. He tries taking a deep breath, and it's painful, but he forces himself to try again. "D-dad?"

Dick's heart breaks. He knows for sure that Wally never called Barry dad when he was alive. Barry and Iris took him in when he was a kid and loved him like their own son, and Wally loved them back, but he could never bring himself to say the word because _it just brings so many bad memories, it doesn't feel right._

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, Walls." Dick takes his best friend's face in his hands, when he sees Wally's still panting for air. "I'm not Barry, but I'm here to help you. Try to slow your breathing for me. It's going to be okay."

No. Not okay. Wally feels his entire being convulse with sobs as he tries to tell the owner of the voice that nothing will ever be okay again.

Dick shushes him, and brushes away the tears from his face. "Look at me, Wally, hey. We're gonna get throught this together, just... Slow down, focus on me. You can do it, yes, that's right. You're doing good." He guides Wally throught it, encouraging every small breath he takes. Dick sits with him, holds him, and _breathes_ with him.

Time stops, or maybe it doesn't, but neither of them care about it, nothing's more important than listenning to the other's even breaths. When they finally move, it's because it starts raining. Dick doesn't let him go, and guides him to the nearest zeta tube, and then to Iris' house. 

They get in through the window to Wally's bedroom, climbing the tree right in front of it, and Dick doesn't even look at the initials they've carved in the wood when they were young; it's almost gone. Dick helps Wally in and quietly texts Iris to let her know Wally's back home and - relatively - okay, so she won't worry.

When Dick gets in, he can't help, but observe how different Wally's room looks. After the inicial shock, Dick takes it all in and realizes that everything's still pretty much the same, except for the table, that's a new one, and for the flash merchandise. Everything with the Flash's face or logo is gone and, without it, the room just _feels_ empty. It feels wrong. Dick can't help but wonder if Wally just put it all in the storage or if he threw it away.

The pictures of Barry and Iris are still there, though. They're a little rusty, but they're still there, and Dick lets out a relieved sigh he didn't realized he'd been holding.

"How did you find me?" Wally breaks the silence that settled between them, his voice back to his usual tone.

"What?" That was not what Dick was expecting. Wally hand't called since the funeral and _this is what he chooses to start with?_ Dick wants to be angry at him, he wants to yell and accuse him of breaking his promise, but when he looks at Wally's face, he feels it all melt away and be replaced by the kind of tired that sleep just can't fix. Wally looks worse than he did, three months ago.

"How did you find me?" Wally finally raises his head to look him in the eyes, but it doesn't last long. A second later he's back to watching his hands twicht, a frown taking over his eyes. "Are you keeping tabs on me?"

Dick detects anger in the speedster's voice and it's apparently contagious because he's replying with a: "If you talked to me or to, I don't know, anyone else, then I wouldn't have to! Wally, it's been three months and I haven't had a word from you."

"That's because there's nothing to say, Dick. I can't... He's gone and there's nothing anyone can say or do about it."

"You're wearing the Flash costume. We could have talked about _that._ Wally, I could have gone out with you on Patrol, I could have helped and been there with you when you faced those reporters, but, no, I had to find out on the news that my best friend had just made the most difficult decision of his life."

"I don't need you to babysit me, Dick. You don't need to protect me! I can do it on my own." 

"I know you can, Wally. But the thing is: you don't have to. I'm here for you."

Wally's shoulder quivers when Dick's hands touch his neck, but he doesn't look at him.

"I'm here for you." Dick repeats himself because he doesn't know what more he can say, he just knows that he _needs_ to say someting, anything, to get Wally's attention. "That's what I said at the funeral and that's the only thing I can promise you, I will always be here. I can't promise that it will stop hurting or that it does get better with time because some days are just as hard as the day it happened. Other days are indeed better and you barely think about it, but then, you feel like you're forgetting them and you cry yourself to sleep trying to remember every single detail. Every memory hurt, even the happy ones, and yet you can't allow yourself to stop, you can't..." Dick stops when Wally's hands touch his shoulder, caressing it lightly, and he tries to calm down enough to continue. "I can't promise you anything, but that I'll be here with you every step of the way, and that means something, right?" _It has to mean something,_ it has to make a difference, because he can't afford to lose Wally as well.

He's already lost so much.

"Aunt I brought me the Flash outfit today." Wally's eyes lock with his, and the redhead forces the words out. "She said that Uncle B would want me to step in, that if he could see me now, he would be proud of me.... She even cried a little, so how could I tell her no?"

"But do you want to do this? I'm sure she would understand if you're not ready."

"That's all I ever wanted, you know? To be _The Flash._ Every since I saw him in the television, I don't even remember how old I was, I just... I can't remember not thinking about him as my hero. I wanted to be like him so much I blew myself up in that damn lab! I constantly joked about taking up the mantle during missions and patrols, but... Not like this. Never like this, Dick, you gotta believe me, I didn't want this to happen, I didn't..."

"I know you didn't." Dick holds him, petting his hair. "I know how much you loved him and so did he. You were like a son to him, Wally, and Iris was right to say he'd be proud." He hears Wally's snort turn into a sob and Dick won't mind convincing him, not even if takes forever. "Walls, you're a hero, look at the people you've saved as Kid Flash Look at all the people you saved today. Barry is your Flash, Wally, but _you're_ that little girl's Flash."

The speedster clings to him and cries, he cries until he doesn't have tears anymore, but holds onto Dick for longer. He holds onto Dick until it hurts a little less.

When Wally’s grip on his shirt finally softens, Dick gently pushes him to the bed. “Come on, Walls, you should rest now.” 

"I'm sorry, Dick, I'm so sorry." Wally doesn’t fight him, but still holds onto him, weak as his grip is. "I disappear for three whole months, and yet, you still come when I need you. Why? Why would you do that?

Dick could lie to him. It would be easier, it would be the right thing to do; Wally's vulnerable right now, Wally's absolutely destroyed and Dick doesn't want to take advantage of him. He should lie, but then he remembers linking their pinkies together, just for fun because they both knew how silly the whole thing was, and saying _no more lies, no more secrets._

He's almost lost Wally three months ago, and every day since then. Can he afford to lose him now, because of _feelings?_

"It's because I love you, Wally.” He says and it’s not a lie. “You’re my best friend.” It’s not a lie, but it isn’t the whole truth either. Whatever it is, it needs to be enough for now. It has to be.

"Dick." Wally’s fingers intertwine with his, and the redhead pulls him down. "Can you stay?"

"Yeah." Dick lies next to him, pets his hair when he feels Wally snuggle closer, listens to his heartbeat against his chest, and it _is_ enough. “For as long as you want me.”

**Author's Note:**

> pls don't hate me, I'll write some fluff drabbles later, I promise


End file.
